“So,” He licked his index finger before turning to a fresh page of his notepad. “What brings you here?”
Other than my referral I thought. I decided that the ceiling was a safe spot to stare at, less intimate.
“Well, I have been told that I have clinical depression and it has been going on for about 6 months now. It isn’t something that I intentionally keep secret nor is it something I go out of my way to declare. Normally when someone notices my repeated absences and I’ve decided that they actually care, I’ll elaborate on what I meant by the text that said: “I don’t think I can make it mate, not feeling too good”. Other times it comes up in passing, ohh whats that prescription? Fluoxetine, what’s that?
In either case, whether or not I discuss it, it’s always there, almost like a mosquito bite, sometimes you don’t notice it but other times you’re consumed by how it consumes you.
But recently I have come to realise that my personality almost lends itself to depression, and once the depression has established itself, my personality is the scratch that fuels the cycle.
I am such a type A personality. Most days, including weekends I make a list of the things I need to do, and if I don’t complete it (which often happens as the lists tend to be unreasonable), I declare myself a failure. And then I believe it, I embody it and I honestly feel like I am drowning and that even though I can swim, I don’t want to. The world slows down and I am reminded of my worthless state. And the problem is that I cannot get out of this mind frame, the world just spins without me.
Anyway, this month was sort of a breaking point in the sense that I realised that I need to learn to live with my depression rather than just suffer from it. And I don’t mean that in a, well I am just going to give up and lie here being depressed sort of way. Of course, I want to get better, but I am not going to sit and wait to get better before getting my life back to some sort of routine. I need to learn to do despite how I feel.
Fortunately I am at a place with my depression where through a mixture of familial support, CBT and medication I no longer feel suicidal, so the worst is over. But the feelings of emptiness, purposelessness, lethargy still persist. Still being alive no longer feels painful, instead it feels like a bit of a drag which to be honest is a welcome relief.
I guess that is where I am at right now.”
“Ok, ok” I heard the flicker of another page,
“So tell me about your childhood”